confused about how as well.

so, you know what's annoying?
christmas!

yeah, i know.
i'm obviously one of those santa hating scrooges, but seriously, i has been the worse times of year for me, since 2004.
yeah i know, it probably shouldn't affect me anymore but it does, and the fact that it does affect me is really annoying and i hate it.

i used to love christmas, it used to be my favourite time of year, even better than my birthday. we'd have millions of lights up, and we'd leave out food for santa on christmas eve, and we'd spend christmas eve watching crappy christmas films and tv. and i'd fall asleep on the sofa, and my dad would either carry me up the stairs, or wake me up. then, on christmas morning me and my sisters would get up amazingly early, like 6am and run down the stairs and run into the dining room and scream, "Wendy! It's time to get up."

except we can't do that, we can't run into the dining room and scream that anymore, because;

1. we don't live in birmingham anymore, and we don't have a sofa bed in the dining room.
and 2. Wendy isn't here anymore.

no matter what you say, 'time heals all wounds', it's a load of bullshit. because, wounds? wounds get worse with time. if you cut yourself and leave it untreated, it will get worse. you can slap a band aid on that motherfucker, but you're still going to be left with the scar.

i can't enjoy christmas eve and day anymore. i love the lead up to christmas, the lights and the advent calendars, but when it reaches christmas eve. i just remember that day, it replays in my mind and even dream about it! christmas eve '04, my aunt phoned up and told my mum that the cancer had come back and it was in her spine. freakin' unbelievable. bone cancer is untreatable, and i can't help thinking that she could have prevented it originally. when she first found a lump on her leg. if she had gone to the doctors early and not been so fucking stubborn. what if, what if. i also can't help thinking that, why couldn't she have saved her news for later, why did she taint one of my previous, favourite days of my life?

some people really don't get it.
they're like, what an aunt? well, at least you didn't lose your mum/dad/sister.
NO. until you've been through loss, someone that close to you, you really don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
my aunt, was like a second mother to me. we had arguments about everything, seriously. i would have trusted her with anything, i trusted her more than my mum. so when she died, i was adamant that i was going to do her a eulogy. biggest mistake of my short life. that day hurt so much, i'd been strong up until then, up until the priest said, okay we're gonna have a eulogy from lydia, her niece. i read the first line, the first fucking line. and what did i do? i burst out crying.
and then after, everyone was so fucking patronising. 'oh you were so brave'. shut the fuck up.

i thought i'd share that with my blog, because i can't stand everyone being so cheerful.
i resent it.
♥ LYDIAAA.