i'm overwhelmed by sadness at the minute. i suppose, you don't realise how attached you are to something, until it's not there anymore. i don't think i can wait out the suspense that Shonda Rhimes has left me in. i could possibly hate her, the way i feel at the minute. i've just watched the episode on surfthechannel.com, as i can't wait for it to come to britain. i have to watch it when everyone else does, mahn.
i've never given much thought to death and i'm not scared of death, i don't think so anyway. i'd prefer it to be quick and painless, to drop down dead and be done with it. i don't want to linger, and i don't want to burden anyone. and i most definitely don't want to be a shell, a human shell not knowing who anyone is or who i am. i think, if you were given notice, if someone sat you down and said, you have three months to live, it would be worse. you would count each day, and when you were going to sleep, you'd be like, what if i'm not alive tomorrow? or why didn't i do more today, i wasted today.
i don't believe in god. that's no news to anyone. i haven't for a very long time, i just don't see how it's possible. i'm a logic person, i'm a person who needs to see it to believe it. i don't have faith in anything that i can't touch and breathe in. i need my support to be there; i can't look up to the sky and believe that anyone is looking down on me, unless they are in an aeroplane. i'm the person who gets run down by a car, and is a vegetable and hopes that my parents give my organs to seven people to live. i'm not the person who worries what her funeral will be like, or if god will accept me into the gates of heaven. i'm the person who hopes that when i'm coming to the end, my life can mean something.
and for my parents not to stand by that hope, it proves that you can't have faith in anyone.
♥
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