i am screaming but no one's listening.

idon'tlikehim, idon'tlikehim, idon'tlikehim, idon'tlikehim, idon'tlikehim!
of course, there's only so many times that you can say that sentence until you realise that in fact, you feel the exact opposite. you can lie to everybody, but you can't lie to yourself, not really, you can't make yourself, condition yourself to believe something that isn't true.

truth like karma, can come along and bite you hard on the ass. truth is scary and it isn't always wanted, but don't we all feel much better when we've received that little bit of enlightenment? i know i do.

so back to this guy, it's completely irrational to fancy a stranger because most of the time, you epitomise them to be someone completely different in your mind, and then when you actually speak to them, the idealistic version of them and the true version of them don't match up. which is why i know i'm being ridiculous. i suppose i'm quite insecure about everything about me, and i think that people are judging me all the time, i hate to be laughed at, but i suppose everyone feels the same. it's just that some people are better at hiding it.

i always think that what if i looked like this, or lost weight, would people judge me differently? would i have more confidence? i wish that there was this pill that you could take and you'd wake up the next morning and be slim and idealistic. however, the downside of that would be there would be no variety, and it would also suck for the men who like the fatties. i bet if you're reading this, and that's a scarce amount of people, you're thinking, she must be like huge, but i'm not really. i'm only a size twelve (in england), which when the average is a sixteen, isn't too shabby. but still, i'd really like to be idealistic.

so the point of this whole post is, should i just forget about this guy, get on with my life and deal with my insecurities?

probably.

am i going to?

probably not.

love,
your extremely-self-conscious-guy-obsessed-blog-writer,
lydiaaaaaaaa
xxxxxxx
(as from yesterday, known by chlalydia, thought of by stefilis)